Chapter 8: Blejk Alibi
- We are smoking dreamers !
La la la la la la la la la la
Smoking dreamers !
- Chikorita ?
- What, Dario ?
- Could you just shut the fuck up already ? We walking for 2 minutes and you just sing Naruto openings !
- Well, sorry for that, but i'm just excited
- Why ? We're going to register ourselfs as a space pirates
- For what purpose ?
- Well, if you don't register yourself, then you can't go into hangar
- Okay, i get it
We were going through the ruined city, when i saw a Yu-gi-oh on a TV
- Hey isn't that Yu-gi-oh The Cancelled Series ? Man, i love this show
- Dario, we don't have time for this
- Eee yeah, right just keep going
After a while the space pirates base was very close. Dario went to a guard and said:
- Hello, mister. We're here to register ourselfs as a space pirates
- Okay, just follow me
Dario and his weird looking friends went to the building. There were many spaceships out there and that place was very big. Guard take them to a place where a red haired guy started to ask Dario questions:
- Name, please
- Darius Darius Phantomhive
- So, your second name is also Darius ?
- Well, my parents were crack addicts
- Oh, that explains everything, Occupation ?
- Butler of Hellsing Organization and music writer
- So, if you are music writer, on what instruments you play ?
- I play on one string guitar. I even can play Metallica solos on it
- Man, that's unbelievable ! I mean, next question is why want you to become space pirate ?
- Because my Sensei Sanji-kun told me, that i can become one
- Okay, one final question if you could become famous like Michael Jackson, what would you do ?
- Then i would buy a nose for myself
- That's all. You pass the exam. You can go now. Next, please
Dario went through the doors and saw Blejk walking into underground base. Just WTF is he doing ? Dario asked himself
- Name, please
- Povilas Cracovinemusolonking BleedHollow
- Seriously you want me to believe, that this is your name ?
- Yes it is, but you can write Chikorita if you don't know how to write Cracovinemusolonking
- How dare you ! Of course i know how to write it. Hmmm let's see Krakownimedosul. Occupation ?
- Why want you to join ranks of Space Pirates ?
- Because, Luffy told me, that here works the best people in the world
- Wow, that's nice. That Luffy thing guy, was right. You pass the exam. You can go now. Next, please
Chiki went through door and saw Dario running into underground base
- Hey, Dario wait for me !
- Okay, just hurry
- Now, you bald guy, what's your name ?
- I asked for your full name
- I'm trying to act nice and i'm asking you what's your full name ?!
- Oh, you little...
- Kurosaki Hitman
- Okay, you've got lucky this time. Occupation ?
- Serial Killer
- Wait, wha..
Suddenly, Hitman cut off red haired guy's head and put the knive in guard head
- I don't have time for this shit ! - he said
- Dario, why aren't we going down ?
- We waiting for Hitman
- I'm behind you already
- Oh, Hitman glad that you came, so quickly. Now we can go to this underground place
- Daimaou, I must ask you something. Why are we even going down ?
- Because, i saw Blejk going there
- Hmmm, Dario ?
- What, Chiki ?
- I can't see anything, because it's dark here
- Aww, i almost forgot. You don't see in darkest places do you ?
- No :(
- Then i will give you my power
- Go Dario unknown jutsu: Eye Bound
Chikorita started to see in the dark
- Hurray i see, i see
- Well don't be so happy. If i didn't done this jutsu properly, you become blind after 2 hours
- WHAAT ?
- But i think i did it right
- Hmmm i don't feel any better, because of your assurance
2 hours later
- When this fucking tunnel will end ? Dario are you sure he went this way ?
- Of course.
After a while they went to a big laboratory centrum. There were many scientists working on some strange mutants. Doors behind heroes of this book had been locked and they were trapped in some scary place
- What the fuck is this place ? - asked Chiki
- Well, i don't know - Dario answered
- But i know - some strange voice said
Dario looked behind him. It was Capten Blejk.
- Hey, Blejk i'm glad, that you're healthy. Why are you not answering on the phone ?
- As you can see i'm busy. I've crossed boundaries of this rotten world and created something perfect
- And what's that ?
- Remember, Konichi ?
- Yeah, it was our best friend. His fighting skills were far beyond possible
- Exactly. Now, you and your friends will see a miracle. Come out slave !
The ground started to shaking and a portal has been opened. A strange red light has filled the place. After some time the light dissapeared and a very known person appeared. Konichi itself ! His eyes were filled with pain and disgust of the human's world.
- Yeah, yeah this is my research success ! I've ressurected human just like my master told me i will do !
- Blejk, i must ask you one question. Who is your master ?
- Well, Dario it's a guy, that will kill you and your friends... Chuck Norris !
- But, why you betrayed us ? We've done so many things, remember ? Like, hacking to the government sites, stealing clouds from the sky. Do you remember ?
- Those were only some lame skills ! I serve only for Chuck and his order is simple. Kill Chikorita, Hitman and Daimaou. Now, Konichi go crush them all !!! Mwahahaha
- Are you fucking kidding me ? - said Chiki
Chapter 9: Good plan is Dario's plan
A fight has begun. Blejk escaped through the main door and sealed them, so nobody can leave the room. The researchers were all scared and terryfied. They try to escape, but Konichi started to slaughter them one by one.
- Listen Hitman ! When Konichi will end killing those poor bastards, you will provoke him to go into the portal. It's not active, yet, but me and Chiki will try to open it again
- I understand your plan Daimaou
Dario and Chiki went to the portal and started thinking
- How can we open it ?
- It was your idea, so try something
- Well, i could just press, that reopen button over here, but then this book will look very stupid and not cool
- Just push this button. Nothing can save this book anyway
- So, we just wait until Hitman will lead this fucker here ?
- Yeah. Wait a minute is this, what i think it is ?
Dario grabbed some newspaper and started to reading it out loud:
Today at the morning the Ichiban District was destroyed by a very unbelievable event. There was a fire rain falling from the sky. Local scientists cannot explain, what caused this event. Unofficial informations say, that all of this was caused by a man called Butter with dynamite. Local police and anti terrorits squads are now looking for him at this devastated area. Ichiban District was also sealed from humanity and many specialists from all over the world will try to identify, what really happened out there.
- This is just fucking great. This is the sixteen reason for Butter to kill me
- Dario, that means, that many stars will come to visit our town. This is amazing, isn't it ?
- No, it isn't you moron. Now, they will know about our fights with Chuck and we will become Public Enemies !
- Well, that's not so bad. After all Public Enemies was a very good band
- I'm not talking about the band you idiot. Okay, Konichi is going to us, let's open this stupid monolith
Dario pushed the button, portal has opened and Konichi simply fall into it.
- That was easy... wait where is Hitman ?
- I think Konichi grabbed him and took him to the another dimension
- Noooo, now how we will survive ?
- Wait, it's just Hitman, you have me, the great conquerer ChikoritaBH
- I don't know what's worse. The fact, that Hitman failed or that you are standing in front of me
- Don't be, so bad Daimaou, after all now we must go to our great castle, right ?
- Wait, what great castle ?
- Well, my second home is a big castle. Just wait i will call my friend
- Hello, Kai. Me and my friend are in the United Space Pirates base in Poland. Could you fly to this destination and take us to the United Katsura Country ?
- No problem, we'll see ourselfs in 5 minutes
- Okay, thanks. Now, Dario let's go from this crappy place. I'm kinda hungry right now
- You never told me, that you had a castle !
- Well, I'm full of suprises
- I thought, you were full of sh.. whatever. How we gonna open this doors ?
- Look here ! It's a thing called handle. When you push it down the doors will open
- Are you making a fun of me ? I know that you baka Chiki ! Just open it !
Chiki went and pushed the handle. He broke it.
- You IDIOT ! What have you done ?
- It wasn't my fault. I can repared it
- Don't bother. Go Dario super special awesome kick: Double Door Roll
The doors were smashed and they run upstairs.
- Now, we are in the same location, that we were talking to this red haired guy, but i can't see him
- Maybe, because he's in halfs ?
- What ?
- Just look on the floor
- Now i get it. Whatever. We just go to the nippon street.
5 minutes later
- Your friend was supposed to land here some time ago !
- Don't be so urgent. He will land here in a moment. Look he's here !
A big jet landed on the street and a beautiful bi-shounen character got out from it
- I already hate this guy - said Dario in his mind
- You see Dario ? Just come and say hi to him
They went to jet and Dario said:
- I'm Daimaou
- But it can be healed ?
- What ?
- This Daimaou disease
- No, it can't be
- Hey Kai don't think you're funny, because your not. Now Dario sit behind the pilot sits. We're flying to the Corrode Island
Kai started engines and they started flying in the sky
- By the way where is this island ? - Dario asked
- It's on the Dead Sea. This island has only one country called: United Katsura Country and it's capital is Joy Town
- Good to know, now you Kaifuck can you pilot this piece of junk properly ?!
- Don't call it piece of junk, you Daimaou diseaser. It's my love Teru
- Well, it can't be compared to Butter Jet Prototype. Oh damn it. It wasn't in that space pirate base !
- Then where is it ?
- I don't know, but Butter will be mad
10 minutes later
- You see Dario ? This is my island
- It looks kinda small to me
- Don't be so rude. Now Kai land this jet on the left side of the island
- No problem Povilas
- What's so funny Dario ?
- Povilas ? Really your name is Povilas ? Man i can't stand it Hahaha
Suddenly Chiki kicked out Dario from the landing jet. He hit the water at the see
- Help ! Somebody help me, i can't swim !!!
The jet landed and Chiki got out from it.
- Thanks Kai, see you later
- See ya
Kai started engines again and flew into a random direction, while Dario was still screaming
- Chiki i'm sorry, help me
- Okay i use my flying skills
Chiki started to flying and put Dario on the ground. Suddenly Dario kicked Chiki with all of his force. Chikorita hit a tree simply crashing it.
- You baaakaaaa ! How could you kick off me out of jet ? And why you even flew in this jet, while you can fly by yourself you moron ?!
Chiki stand on his feet and said:
- Because Kai can't know that i'm so badass
- Why ?
- Because, then we will have a duel with beyblades and i suck in this game
- Oh i get it now. Then i will not say it to him, unless you gonna kick me again without reason !!!
- Okay, okay i'm sorry, Now come with me. We must go to this castle !!
- Yes, i know that
Chapter 10: Searching for Vengeance: Butter Re-Awakening
Man this river is cold like snow. I walked out from the river and looked at the devastated Ichiban District. This place is sooo dead. How this baka Dario could leave me here alone ? Man, when i find him i tore him into thousand pieces. Help me ! Someone shouted. I looked behind me and i saw a man with head put in the wall.
- Hey, are you this man which fought with Daimaou recently ?
- Yes, i am. Can you help me ?
- No way you fucking psycho ! You almost killed me with your kick. Now it's time for payback mwahahaha
I went to this idiot and started to kick him in his ass.
2 hours later
Man i'm so tired, because of kicking you. Hey, are you alive ? Hmm he's not answering. Maybe, he got coma. Wait, what's that. The ground started to shaking. If that's another event, caused by Dario i'm gonna fucking meet Sherlock Holmes in a matter of time.
- Yo, what's up dog ?
I looked behind me. I couldn't believe what i saw. It was... Sherlock Holmes
- Are you Sherlock Holmes ?
- Yes, i'm
- But, you are dead for hundreds of years !
- No, i'm not. As long as they gonna do movies about me, i will never die
- Glad to hear that, but what are you doing in this place ?
- Well, you really don't read newspapers do you ? Many specialists from all over the world were sent here to investigate this fire from the sky case. We must look for clues, witnesses and a man called Butter with dynamite. We must catch him and bring him to Uchicha Sasuke, that will interrogate him. By the way, what's your name ?
I've been terrified. I had to remain calm.
- My name is Billy. Billy Hoyle. I'm your number one fan. Could you give me your autograph ?
- Yes, of course no problem. So, Billy are you living here ?
- No, i've came here for my vacation. My brother runs a shop called Burning Kuso
- Hmmm, so you didn't saw, that fire from the sky ?
- No, i arrived here just moment ago and i was shocked
- Well, don't worry. I'm gonna just bring you to police office and then you gonna tell all what you saw here to Sasuke
Fuck i need to do something, because this Uchichafuck will do something nasty to me. Think Butter, think. I've got it
- Okay, but before we go we must drink my soda, before it will become radioactive
- Sure, no problem. Here fill my bottle with it
Haha this guy is such a idiot. He can't be Sherlock. I'm gonna just give him this dieoactive soda and farewall Holmes, farewall mwahaha.
- Here you go Sherlock
- Thanks, but can you drink it before me ? Sasuke told me, that in Ichiban District, there are many people, that try to rape innocent mans.
Fuuuck. This Uchicha fucker. How could he know my plan ? Hmm just calm down Butter, calm down.
- Glad, that Sasuke thinks about you so much
- Yeah, he's very nice and c..
Suddenly i crashed his bottle on his head. He fell down on the ground. Fuck, that was not good. Now, i'm gonna be chased by a bunch of detectives.
- Butter with dynamite ! Lay down on the ground and take your hands in the air now !
I looked around myself. I was surrounded by Delta Force squad. What can i do, what i can do ?
Suddenly a smoke bomb came out of nowhere, blinding me and those freaks. I felt, that someone grabbed me and took me to the car. We started to escaping, but this thing, just covered my eyes, so i couldn't see anything. After a while my eyes were uncovered and i saw someone very known.
- Uzumaki Naruto ! Just what are you doing here ?
- Shut up you dumbass. They all gonna hear us and chase us, because of your stupidity
- Sorry, but who sent you ?
- Really, you don't know ? Daimaou convinced me to have an eye on you, because you can be linked into another shit, like, that in Vietnam 2 years ago
- Wait, so this giant Fox, that escorted me to American border was you ?
- Yes, you idiot. I rescued your ass many times, only because Dario told me to do it
- I can't believe, that Dario is so worried about me
- Well, he's not worried about you, but about his reputation. If some punk like you was captured and tortured. You simply revelled every secret about him, so he decided to cover you for almost 5 years
- So, when i was in junior high, when those bullies try to beat me up, that giant bee was also sent by Dario to help me win ???
- It was not giant bee. It was Killer Bee and how can you even remember this ? I think, that Men in Black cleaned your memories about it.
- What ? Men in black are real ?
- Yes, what did you think ? That Aliens don't exist ? Look around you man, you even can't realise how many times Master Chief was sent to kill all of Xenomorphs on Tatooine.
- What the fuck are you talking about ? Those things can't be real
- Well, don't be suprised when a fucking Predator will blow your head off
- Wait, what ?
- Just shut the fuck up and let me drive. My mission is to escort you to the District 9. It will take 15 minutes to get there. When we gonna arrive there, Sammy The Brave and James Bond will take care of you
15 minutes later
- Alright we're here. Oh look there it's James Bond. Hey come over here
I saw Sammy The Brave and James Bond heading to our direction. I looked at Sammy. I couldn't believe, that this stupid dog could talk. And i really couldn't believe, that Naruto is the real Naruto. Something wasn't right. Suddenly Sammy bite me and i started to fading out. I saw, that Naruto was killed by pistol bullets. I woke up later. I was sitting in front of Chuck Norris in some dark room. Where am I - I asked but there was no answer. Chuck took my phone and called to Dario.
Meantime at United Katsura Country
- Hmmm, Chiki give me your phone i must call to Butter and apologize him.
- Okay, but just keep walking, because you can get lost on this island without me
- Yes, i know
- Hello, Butter ? Well, i'm sorry that i left you on th..
- It's not Butter. It's Chuck here
- Just what the...
- I have Butter with dynamite here and i'm really mad
- So, what ?
- If you not gonna surrender now, i will have to kill your best friend
- So, go and kill him. I'm kinda tired right now, so can you call me later on this number ?
- See, ya !
I saw suprised Chuck face. He said to me:
- He just turned off his phone
- WHAT ?
- Man i thought i captured best friend of Daimaou, but he doesn't care about you
- So, what you gonna do to me ?
- Well, GUARDS !
- Yes, sir !
- Throw him into a dumbster
- WHAAAT ?
Guards took me and throw me into some shitty dumbster on some poor street. Where am I ?
Chapter 11: Dumbster Adventures
- Hey, Chiki this castle is still kinda far, so can you give me your phone again ?
- For what purpose ?
- Well, i must give call to James
- Okay, here take it. I have other phones, so i give this one to you
- Thanks, men. You're polite like a burning neko
- What ?
- I mean like a very good person
Meanwhile at unidentified location
James Bond & Sammy were in some underground russian base. Everywhere were guards and atomic rockets. Fight has started. James was shoting his enemies with a M-16.
- Hey, Sammy bite this poor bastard in this ass !
So, as you can read, Sammy really can talk. After James order, Sammy started to bite every enemies he saw. When on battlefield was only one bad guy he turned on the bomb.
- James come quickly here. This idiot turned on the bomb !
- How many time is left ?
- 2 minutes
- Okay, so i just take this scissors and... wait Sammy i'm color-blind. Which wire is green ?
- Well, it's this on l..
- Hold on, someone is calling to me
- Hey, James we're in the middle of something !
- Shut up, it's Daimaou
- Hello, James. Are you busy right now ?
- No, i'm just trying to turn off the bomb that will destroy whole Europe, so yeah i'm not busy
- But, James..
- Shut up ! I wasn't talking to you Dario. So, what do you want ?
- I have transmitter in Butter eye and i can see, that he sits now in the dumbster on some dirty street in Berlin, so can you go there and save him ?
- Yes, just wait a minute. Now Sammy which wire is green ?
- That on your left side
- Okay, so i'm gonna cut it... now
- Wait !!
- What ?
- I mean on my left side
- So, which is my side ?
- Okay, so i'm gonna cut it
- But, what's gonna happen if the right wire is red ?
- Then, whole Europe will become post-apocaliptic like Africa
- But, Africa isn't post-apocaliptic
- So, what ? I'm cutting the green one
Bond cut the green wire and the counting to bombing has stopped.
- Hurray, it was right decision. Now, Dario we'll going to Berlin, so don't worry we gonna save your friend
- Okay, that's good, but he's not my friend
10 hours later
Fuck it's so cold in this dumbster, i can't get out my legs from it. God, why you forsaken me ?
- I haven't forsaken you, you're just an idiot
- Wait, who said that ?
Butter looked down and he saw some old guy looking like Dumbledore.
- Hey you old geezer, get the fuck out of here, i'm trying to win Oscar here !!!
The old man vanished
- What the fuck was that ? It couldn't be god. Unless...sorry man you probably was Gandalf, so i'm truly sorry about my mistake.
Now where was i ?
- Hey, Butter how long do you plan on sitting in this shitty dumbster ?
Butter looked down again. He saw Sammy and James.
- We're here to rescue you so get off of this thing and come with us
- But, i can't. I'm stuck here !
- Don't worry. Go shuriken no jutsu !
The dumbster was cut into 2 pieces
- Sammy you idiot, you could just separate my legs from head. But, wait, how did you even throw shuriken, when you're dog ?
- Because, i'm a PRO. Now follow us, we're going to United Katsura Country.
- Okay, i understand
And so, the very not important heroes of this crappy book went to United Katsura Country, but they were suprised, that the island was separated from the land by water, so they never really get there.